READ 1 Cor. 6:18

Earlier this week, I was thinking about today.

I took our dog out with me to wait with Hayley for the bus.

Our dog is a bundle of energy… times ten. “Jack! Get down!” and “Jack! Stop barking!” is pretty much what he hears from sun up till sun down.

So he’s on the leash, going out with us to the bus, and he’s doing what he always does: straining, pulling, racing, tugging with all his might, always pulling the leash to its limit. He’s pulling so hard he’s choking, he’s gagging, he’s hacking, but he just can’t help himself. He never learns. He strains against the restraint to the point of almost strangling himself.

And I thought, what a perfect picture of what sexuality can be like.

It’s a drive that can be so strong, causing us to constantly strain against the limits God has put in place, pulling and tugging and testing even to the point of it making us gasp for breath.

If Jack would just mellow out and walk next to me, he’d get to go to the same places without all the pain. But he just can’t learn to restrain his energy.

Our sexual desires can control us, and when that happens, we hurt ourselves. Giving free reign to our sexuality is just as dangerous as taking my dog off the leash. He’s almost got himself run over by a car. He’s almost killed the neighbor’s cat and our bunny. Letting our sexual desires run free is not the answer; I’ve heard too many men and women speak about the pain in their lives that has come from letting their sexuality off the leash.

If we want to be Jesus people, then we will work to practice sexual integrity, to see sexuality as a good gift that is intended to be expressed within limits God sets.

It means there will be times when all of us, single or married, will need to follow Paul’s words in Corinthians and “flee sexual immorality” as a way of practicing sexual integrity.

“Just Say No” is too simple of a solution. We have to understand why the intimacy of sexuality opens wounds outside of the commitment of marriage. We need same-sex friendships where we have the freedom to be honest about struggles. And most of all, we need God’s power to live with sexual integrity, God’s forgiveness for our wrong choices, and God’s love to cement our self-worth.

So with God’s help, we’ll try to tackle this important issue today.

We can’t cover everything…but we’ll look at the bible, and we’ll hear from some men and women in our congregation anonymously. I asked several people for help and examples of practicing sexual integrity.

Would you pray with me for God’s presence and wisdom to be with us?

Some people are quite open about sexual issues.

For others, it’s much more difficult, and the fact that it’s even being mentioned in church is enough to make some very uncomfortable.

I’ve had to make a choice today, and my choice is to simply put it all out there. Not necessarily because I’m extremely comfortable talking about it; not because I’m even close to being some sort of “expert” on sex.

I’ve decided to be blunt, because sexuality is an issue every single one of us deals with…whether we’re young or old, single or married, man or woman.

Some of us think about sexual things many times in every hour of every day. In part, that’s how some of us are wired. But even more so, it’s because we live in a culture that puts the physical and visual and sensual side of sexuality in front of us all the time, and we live and breathe in that world…sometimes without any choice on our part, and sometimes because we choose to seek it out.

We’ve got to make sex a topic that can be discussed and thought about. We’ve got to help each other practice sexual integrity.

It takes our intentions and God’s power.

Sexuality is an area where both God and our effort are needed. It’s a powerful human drive, and if we just “let life come to us”, then we will find ourselves struggling to live with sexual integrity. We need to challenge the assumptions our culture makes about sex, and we need God’s love and power.

Would you turn with me to Genesis 39, verse 7?

It may be difficult for some of us to talk about sex, but the bible puts it right out there, with all the good and the bad. After a horrible story of incest and cover up in Genesis 38, in chapter 39 Joseph’s sexual integrity is threatened by a woman with power.

He’s been sold into slavery, and has worked hard and faithfully, earning the trust of his master Potiphar. We’ll pick up the story at the end of verse 6. [READ v. 6b and 7]

Now, one of the reasons I love this story is that it reverses sexual stereotypes.

There are times when all of us, men and women, have sexual desires that want to be expressed. Sometimes, like Potiphar’s wife, we go beyond having the desire, and we do something to try and act on that desire.

In this case, she abuses her power to try to act on her sexual desire. This may be a good place to speak specifically about woundedness.

Many in this room, both women and men, have had past experiences of being violated sexually, often by people in positions of authority, like parents or people in church or work leadership positions.

Let me say something really clearly: those violations are not your fault.

Children (and sometimes adults) don’t have the ability to do what Joseph did, to say no to power. People with no power to resist sexual violations by others are wronged people. One woman in our church said it this way:

We praise Joseph for "getting away," but how many of the woman in the Bible would have wanted to get away from a sexual situation if they could have? Dinah was ravaged... Do we assume Bathsheba WANTED David? Do we assume Esther WANTED to dance for the dinner guests?

Potiphar’s wife, even as she breaks some stereotypes, reminds us that power is often used to distort sexuality and cause great pain. But some don’t have Joseph’s choice of resisting.

As we talk today about fleeing from sexual immorality, I don’t want to add guilt to those of you who have been wronged.

Other people’s wrong choices do not mean you are forever damaged goods. They do not mean that you no longer have the possibility of living with sexual integrity.

However, when we have been molested or raped or violated sexually, the damage has long lasting effects and consequences.

False guilt and shame can keep us from getting the help we need. Perhaps those of you who haven’t dealt with the pain of past wrongs done to you need permission this morning to check out mentally from the rest of this discussion.

Instead, make a commitment right now that you will seek help. Seek a good Christian therapist, or talk with one of the pastors so that we can refer you to a counselor or a recovery group so that you can deal with the pain.

Ok. Let’s try to move forward, and cast some wide guidelines for what it looks like to practice sexual integrity. Let’s read Joseph’s response. [READ v. 8-9]

Hmmm. Let’s think about why this would be wrong, why Joseph labels it as sin.

Many people today would agree that sexuality is an important, intimate part of being human. So the boundary that many would put on the expression of sexuality is that it needs to be between two consenting adults.

That definition does keep power from being abused; sexual activity must be consensual, and clearly children do not have the ability to give consent.

Joseph has a higher standard; he goes beyond “Just Say No”.

He says Potiphar has given him authority, but with authority comes responsibility. He cannot break the trust of his master.

It’s a lie to say that sexual activity can be practiced between two willing people in such a way that it doesn’t affect our emotional commitments to the sexual partner or our emotional commitments to others.

Sex is more than a physical act, and a sexual partner is more than an object. She is someone’s daughter, sister, and maybe wife. He is someone’s son, brother, and maybe husband.

Our intimate sexual connections with others have life long ramifications. Sex is the most intimate physical expression of intimacy; it matters .

One woman in our church committed an affair in her past.

She was brave enough to share with me about this very issue, this fact that sexuality affects so much:

Of course God wants us to be sexually moral for so many reasons- there is no SAFE sex outside of a loving, committed, marital relationship.  There are hurt feelings (to put it mildly), physical sickness, unwanted pregnancies...all of this causes so much pain (physical and emotional).

Joseph recognizes that just because he CAN doesn’t mean it is right. One of the first steps many make in destroying sexual integrity is assuming they have the right to fulfill themselves sexually however they would like, as long as their partner is willing.

Just because Joseph has a willing partner doesn’t mean it’s ok.

This particular action would be a sin against God.

Now please don’t mis-hear me: I’m not wanting to add to the Victorian repression of sexuality that Christianity is often accused of perpetuating. Sexuality is a good gift from God, but it was created to have more boundaries than simply “two consenting adults”.

The bible teaches, I believe, that sexual integrity means sexuality is to be expressed only within a commitment of marriage between a man and a woman.

Joseph knows that to act in a sexual manner with Potiphar’s wife breaks trust with Potiphar, and it is a sin against God.

Those beliefs are what give Joseph the motivation to say no, to run away, to do anything possible to avoid breaking his boundaries of sexual integrity.

So one of the first steps in practicing sexual integrity is to make a very clear decision as to what sexual integrity is.

Because if we aren’t clear, sexuality is a strong enough desire that it will win every time when it comes in contact with fuzzy boundaries. And I’m not just talking about hormonal teenagers, but all of us.

I sort of like the fact that Joseph’s great choice doesn’t do him any good. He says no, he keeps his integrity, and he ends up falsely accused and in jail because of it.

We’ve got to find ways to maintain sexual integrity no matter what the result and the cost. Too often, it’s the other way around; people who break sexual integrity are doing everything they can to avoid the consequences by lying.

What would it be like if we put the same energy we put into our lies and deceit and our cover ups…what if we put that same energy into practicing sexual integrity in the first place?

Honesty and vulnerability with ourselves and with others becomes a key part of practicing sexual integrity.

Here’s how one woman said it:

I think the best thing to do in order to “flee” from temptation is not so much avoidance of everything with potential for sensuality, but to recognize the truth of human frailty. Honesty starts in the heart. (Can we hear echoes of Steve’s message?) I have to be honest with myself that I have the potential to seduce and be seduced.

If we’re honest, some of the lure of sexuality is a desire to find worth, a desire to be desired by someone else. When we forget or have never learned that our value as a person comes because of God’s unending love for us as his creation, we seek emotional and sometimes sexual intimacy from others to find self-worth. And it never succeeds long term!

Same sex friendships, where we risk being honest and open, are an important guard.

One man from our church said it this way:

It is the regular meeting with other men that makes God’s love and power REAL to me. They listen to my experience and love me anyhow. Before, when I did not have this regular support, I tried to win the struggle on my own, resulting in shame and a cycle of more sexual sin. The key for me is remembering that it is not ME fighting this fight, fleeing sin under my own power, but Christ dwelling in me. I must surrender to his Love, power, grace and mercy and he can deliver me His victory. Now, I am able to break out of this cycle much easier because of the tangible way that my friends live out Christ's love in my life, as it is- naked and unashamed.

We get ourselves into trouble in the sexual arena when we separate out the physical part of sex from the relational and emotional parts of sex as God intended.

Sometimes the trouble is we try to make sex all about the physical act and its enjoyment. To some degree, we then make the person we are engaging sexually into an object, into something that is simply there for my pleasure and my fulfillment.

This is the lure of pornography, and the lure of many affairs…and, if we’re honest, it is even the reality in some of our married sex lives as well.

Part of “fleeing sexual immorality” and practicing sexual integrity is to refuse to make sex solely about my pleasure, to refuse to make others objects. One man said this:

The female form is extremely attractive and appealing to me - and yes, exciting and stimulating.  I have to look away quickly when certain advertisements start, or quickly turn pages in magazines.  It is so tempting to linger, to turn pages ever so slowly. But when I do, whether I think about it or acknowledge it at the moment or not, there is instantly a gulf between myself & God, and I feel it.

Through the years I have had to remind myself and reinforce over and over what this act, even in fantasy, really is:
It is a violation of the woman I am fantasizing about;  
It is a violation against my wife;
It is a violation against God, because He is the one who gave me the gift of my wife, because it violates His plan for marriage being one man & one woman, and because it violates the vow I made in His presence to love and cherish my wife and to be faithful to her.

Choosing to see people as whole people-not sexual objects- is a key to sexual integrity.

[When I got it right], I always saw them as such worthy individuals, as such women valued by God and yet often in need of such care, that I never noticed them as anything less.
      Obviously, the trouble with pornography is that it has none of that. These are NOT people with souls… they are objects on a screen or whatever. My guess is that if pornographic images came accompanied with pictures of this woman as a 10 year old, and examples of their 1st grade art, and stories of what they dreamed of being when they grew up it would radically change the entire equation.

We also get ourselves into trouble when we have unrealistic expectations for sex within a marriage commitment.

Sex, like any form of communication and intimacy between two people, is really hard work. Even Christians who strive to keep the right boundaries to sexuality can buy into a false sense of what sex is.

Remember my dog Jack? Let’s say he learns to stay on the leash without straining, he finally gets it right. It doesn’t automatically make him a show dog. I still couldn’t expect to have him win one of those dog contests where they have to follow commands and run the little obstacle course perfectly. It takes hours and hours of training and practice to make that beautiful picture come together.

When it comes to sexuality, we are fooling ourselves if we think marriage will make sexual integrity and expression easy. And we are BEING foolish if we think that because sex is a difficult issue in our marriage, we must have married the wrong person.

I will stand before anyone and say that sex is a good gift from God that can deepen intimacy and give pleasure to those in a marriage commitment. But it doesn’t come easily; it takes work and open communication between spouses, not just when we are first married, but through each life change. Becoming parents, new jobs, the aging of our bodies…each change requires adjustment and more work.

Another issue is forgetting that emotional intimacy can’t be separated out either.

Emotional intimacy with people of the opposite sex can lead to sexual desires we weren’t anticipating, and it can lead to damage in our emotional intimacy with our spouse as well.

Part of “fleeing sexual immorality” and practicing sexual integrity is to draw appropriate boundaries for our emotional intimacy, and to strive to develop emotional intimacy with our spouse.

One man said this:

Some men can have close women friends, and I admire them, but for me I think I get too internally confused and it takes a big toll on my emotional fidelity to my wife. Others seem to live their lives avoiding virtually all friendships with women, but I fear that would make me dehumanize and objectify women even more than I already do.

One woman said this:

I can see how I could get to the point where I would be so alienated and detached from my husband that the desire to love deeply and be loved by someone else would make me have an affair. It is that realization of my frailty that reminds me to show my husband love, and accept his love as well. I want the cost of what I would have to lose to be too great to risk losing it. I don’t believe I am impervious to the temptation; and there is always going to be temptation, and I will always be tempted. But, how tempted I am depends on how hungry I am. If I am not starved (or starving someone else) for love, I won’t be as tempted find it outside of my marriage.

Sexual integrity is incredibly important to practice.

Practice means we are working daily to try and strive for a goal. We are working daily to allow God’s energy and power to be at work within us, freeing us from guilt and empowering us to see others as whole people and not objects.

If we are married, we commit to deepening our emotional and sexual intimacy with our spouses, keeping sexuality as an expression of love for the one we marry.

We need God to live it out. I’ll close with words from a man in our congregation:

Several years ago I saw a Franciscan spiritual director. At the end of one of our meetings he spoke these words to me: “I don’t think God is surprised by our sin.” They were simple words to him, but to my evangelical ears they sounded a new chord of hope that I had never considered. I cried all the way home. God understands how broken our world has become, how difficult it is to live a life of purity, and offers grace and forgiveness when we fall. And that sort of grace is the greatest inspiration of all to live a life of sexual purity.