Themecasting

As a way to introduce our topic for today, we’re going to watch a video by Rob Bell, called “Flame”.

There’s a lot that I like about it. It’s a helpful overview about what God says about love and sexuality. But there’s one thing that causes some concern for me, which I’ll share after we watch it together.

The theme for today’s worship service has changed quite a bit as I’ve talked with people over the last few weeks. So, while we start today with a video that narrowly focuses in on sexuality, we are going to pull back to look at much more. Let’s watch together. [SHOW VIDEO]

In a culture like ours that tries to make sex something that is just a natural physical connection, I love the way that Rob Bell captures God’s intent to combine the three types of love together in marriage.

Hebrews 13:4 also talks about sexuality in light of marriage, reminding us to avoid sexual immorality to keep the marriage bed pure.

But how would you hear that message about “complete” love having all three types of love… if you are a single person who is not having the physical experience of sex, the “dode” experience of love?

Last fall, we talked about healthy sexuality, but I realized that we didn’t speak much about people who are single. I don’t want to add to what often happens in the church: singles feel like they don’t belong, like they aren’t noticed. I want us to acknowledge the reality: more and more people in our country are single.

The latest figures I could find, from 2005, show that just over half of Americans over the age of 15 are married (53.4%). That means almost half of us are single: 28% have never been married, 12% are currently divorced or separated, and 6% are widowed.

Here’s another way to look at it: more than half of all households are now headed by people who are single. What does that mean for the church? What does that mean for sexuality, with more and more adults living as singles?

So I started asking some of those questions to those who are single.

I asked both men and women, those never married and those divorced and widowed, twenty-somethings on up to retirement age.

Once again, I was absolutely blown away by people’s willingness to be so open and vulnerable with me. Once again, I realized how much wisdom we have in all kinds of people here at Newberg Friends.

I have to admit, I was nervous asking singles about sexuality and what it was like to be single. Even though we live in a society that is saturated with sex, we aren’t so good about actually talking about sex on a substantive level.

But I’m so glad I asked. And almost everyone specifically said they wished more people would ask them and talk to them about their lives on a deeper level.

This is what true community is about: knowing each other, talking with each other, sharing our varied experiences of life and of God with each other.

In the course of these conversations–some over e-mail, some in person–the focus for today got much broader than sexuality per se. Today, I hope we can talk together about singleness, about being married, about being open and honest with each other, and about respecting and learning from our differences…as well as about sexuality.

Here’s a hint of what’s to come later.

I want to read something from one of the people I spoke with. I’ll share many more pearls of wisdom later; let these wise words set the stage for us. This woman has done an amazing job of capturing the beauty of God’s intent for us to live as whole people in right community with each other.

Growing up in a small holiness church, I heard about the importance of conforming my heart, mind, soul, and strength to the will of God.  I learned this was good news because God loved me and was near to help me through hard times.  Another strength was the lived conviction that as children of God, we were all brothers and sisters in Christ.  We were a family.  As a family, we were committed to sexual purity – because our good father God expected it and because a break in purity would betray the church family.  So I grew up thinking of sexual purity as both a spiritual and community issue.  This made church a secure place where men and women could be trusted to behave as (biological) sisters and brothers. Giving way to sexual sins (including lust) was sin against God, a break of faith with family, and harming of self and others.  In this understanding I grew confident that married men were as safe as brothers and assumed that they and their wives (my sisters) believed the same thing about me.

May God help us to move toward this picture of wholeness more and more!

Worship in giving

Read Heb. 13:4 together

Prayer

I thought seriously about just reading from the things that people said to me, and not saying anything myself.

I’m glad that the people I talked to were so willing to let me share what they said anonymously…and I’m very aware of why they weren’t interested in sitting up here and talking in front of all of you about singleness and sexuality.

I guess the next best thing is for me to read a lot of what they did say. I’d really encourage you to do what I did; I’d encourage you to intentionally talk about sexuality and marriage and singleness with each other, so we could learn from one another.

I have things that readily spring to mind as a married man when I read, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure.” But guess what? Never been married folks and divorced folks do too.

We all want good marriages!

That’s clear even for those who are currently single. Marriage is honored, even by those who aren’t married:

As a Christian single, it is extremely important to me that marriages in the church are strong and secure and that all couples live in sexual purity.  These are my sisters and brothers in Christ and my Christian community.

I think that Hebrews 13:4 is basically asking us to have a high respect for marriage, whether we are single or married.  I have a high respect for the marriages of people around me, as well as, the possibility of my own marriage some day.  

But honoring marriage doesn’t mean we in the church have to place singleness as some kind of lower level or status. A single man said:

It would be great to hear the church wants me to be a healthy single.

I’ll say it for all of us: we want those of you who are single to be whole and healthy as you are! We want you to follow God with your whole heart. We want that to be the most important thing: regardless of marital status, we want each one of us to live for God!

Organizations like Focus on the Family and many other Christian groups are rightly helping us to honor marriage.

But “honoring marriage” does NOT mean that everyone should be married, or that singles are “dishonoring” marriage.

All of us first and foremost are called to be who God is calling us to be; and perhaps the church hasn’t affirmed that enough in those who are single. Listen to these words:

I think the biggest thing others can do to help us singles feel complete is to recognize that God calls different people to different things at different times. Validate my life in Christ as God calls me, even if it is not the “norm,” or what is expected, or most importantly, even if it is different from your life.

I don't want people to pity me for being single.  I don't pity them for being married.

I am constantly being asked “are you dating anyone” by relatives, friends, and people I hardly know.  Relax.  I love my life and love what God is doing in me.  I guess I don’t mind the question as much as I mind that it comes before a lot of other questions I feel are more important to share with people.  Maybe ask about what I’m learning, what’s new in my life, how is God teaching me.  If I do happen to be dating someone and it’s important to me, chances are the topic will come up through these other questions.  The bottom line is…I am/singles are okay and while marriage is an amazing thing it is not the only journey. There are so many other paths to walk in this world.  

It’s good to remember that Hebrews 13:4 isn’t the only verse in the bible.

Marriage is a good thing, and it should be honored; but remember that Paul says in 1 Corinthians he wishes all men were like him…unmarried! Is that dishonoring to marriage? Not at all! It’s a recognition that marriage is not the only path God has for us.

Sometimes our questions to singles, our prayers for them to find a spouse, or our attempts to set them up on a date…sometimes those things convey what isn’t true, that life is incomplete unless or until you are married. We have to be careful, because we cause damage with our words that can mean well, but still hurt:

People always asking about boys doesn’t make my single life seem significant.

When parents talk to me about wanting to get me married off, or their kids tell me, “my mom wants to know why you're not married…”  What is that speaking to their child?  That is saying you need to get married to the first one or two people who come along or people will think you're a little off.  No wonder our divorce rate is so high. It's ok not to hit the benchmark of high school, college, marriage, and then babies.  

One of the worst things you can possible say to me [or to] singles is “I just don’t understand why you’re not dating anyone or married yet” or something along those lines.  What we hear is “I just don’t get it…there must be something wrong with you or you’re doing something wrong.  Otherwise, you’d be happily married by now.”  I know what people probably mean is like “you’re such a great person…these idiots out there don’t understand what they’re missing out on.” That’s never how my mind translates it!

If someone feels in their heart with pure motive to pray for me, then pray that I follow the Holy Spirit in all that I do and encourage me to do that and not be afraid of that.  Pray that if I am suppose to be married that I marry someone who I glorify God's kingdom better with than without otherwise I won't get married.

What we don’t want to do is damage marriage by making it something that has to be pursued at all costs, like it is more important than anything else.

If we miss other things God has for us by getting married to "fit in," our marriages will become bitter and I know I'd resent the person and the church.  I do believe I will be married someday and I am keeping that pure by not stopping my life to look for someone so I can be comfortable.

Getting married just because time is marching on is NOT a good way to honor marriage. Staying single because you have not found a partner to share ALL of your life with is more honoring to marriage than “settling” for a marriage that doesn’t have the depth of commitment, that doesn’t have all three of the loves talked about in the video.

The truth is, sex is not the most important thing in life.

You can survive and thrive without sex! Listen to the words of a woman who is now single after a divorce.

To choose a life without sex does not make one incomplete.

When you have had the intimacy and companionship of a marriage, you miss ALL of it. One woman who had been widowed for over 20 years spoke often about wanting to be married again. What she missed was the companionship and bonding of deep relationship.

When she began getting serious with someone after all of those years as a widow, she loved having a mate again…but was worried about the physical part of sex. To which he replied, “Honey, it doesn’t work anyway!”

They are a wonderful reminder that life and intimacy and relationships are about much more than sex.

Life experience has helped others to recognize that marriage must be based on a solid commitment, must be based on much more than sex.

My parents’ divorce shaped me into the person I am more than just about anything else.  The reason I bring this up is that I probably put a much lower emphasis on the physical side of marriage (or literal marriage bed) than in the commitment that the "marriage bed" signifies.  This may seem like splitting hairs, and that the two are inseparable, but I think that so much focus on the physical sometimes distracts from the deeper significance of marriage. What I am trying to say is that at the most basic level the marriage bed is a symbol of the intimacy needed to make a marriage work.  And, in true church fashion, I think that a lot of times we get so hung up in that symbol that the underlying truths get glossed over.

These words, and many others I heard, remind me of the three loves intertwined that Rob Bell spoke about in the video. 

The people I talked with spoke loudly and clearly that marriage and sexuality are about much more than the physical act of sex.

It seems to me that a healthy sexual relationship is an extension of something much more emotionally intimate... relationship as God intended it to be. Sex without this is nothing more than sex... in or out of marriage. I agree, there should be no sex outside of marriage, but a pure marriage bed is much more than sexual union as far as I'm concerned. It is a way of relating, of living, of being... a culmination of a much bigger picture.

One thing I have decided: Sex outside of marriage is not what God wants for us. That doesn't just apply to "virgins", but also to those of us who have already been married and are now divorced or widowed. Keeping the marriage bed sacred also applies to me. My bed may someday once again be the marriage bed.

I think we need to be able to say that yes, sex is great! (Can we say that in church?). In fact our sexuality is so valuable and powerful and precious that God has set specific guidelines to protect us from damaging this ultimately intimate expression of love between a man and a woman. He didn't set these up to spoil our party but to enable us to enjoy its expression to the fullest. He provided them to keep us from the damaging consequences of sexuality outside of His direction because He loves us!

Sadly, our sexual brokenness has taken its toll.

Within the church, we have not always kept the marriage bed pure. We have not always kept the physical expression of sexuality in the context of a commitment of marriage, and that has brought damage.

I’ve also seen enough hurt come from people living adulterous lives that I have a good understanding of why God has asked us to “keep the marriage bed pure.

When I first started to notice what I deemed oddly cautious-fearful behavior of married men near my age, I was surprised.  When I mentioned it to a single friend at another church she said “oh, its because they’re afraid of you.” I laughed.  How absurd!  Would a brother fear a sister?  I started to notice little things.  Men near my age do not look at me or say hello in church as often as would be normal even in a secular business setting. In the nearly 300 times I have attended Newberg Friends, only one man near my age has ventured to sit within six feet of me.  Little things, perhaps explained away, but too often I leave church feeling untrusted and unwelcome. Me, a dangerous woman? I sometimes laugh.  But sometimes I feel angry. Sometimes I am sad.

I learned from a friend that other people did not have the same safe church family I experienced growing up.  Someone’s father was unfaithful, someone’s pastor had an affair, someone’s deacon made unwanted overtures, or someone’s secretary ran off with an elder…. So both men and women learn to fear, to expect failure, to implement safeguards, to suspect those around them.  This is normal and had I experienced the same thing, it would be natural for me to respond as they do.  Still, I just don’t know how to live in Christian community like this.  Catholics approach the problem by offering convents and monasteries. Muslims give up trusting individual self-restraint and offer the division of men and women into segregated spheres. As a Christian community, I believe God invites us into another way of being together.  But sometimes I get tired – and look for a women’s-only small group.

There were a number of Christian married men who felt free to flirt with me [after my divorce]. I guess because I was experienced and now available, they felt free to say suggestive things to me and refer to me as "sexy" which was so far beyond how I thought of myself. That kind of flattery would normally really anger me, but I was pretty low in self-esteem and it really bolstered my ego. I eventually acted out with a very persistent "friend" who kept pursuing me.

We’ve got to be open about our struggles.

Sexuality is an important part of who we are, and keeping the marriage bed pure–whether we are married, never married, or divorced or widowed–takes honesty and help from our community.

When Craig McIndoo shared [in church last year], it was a breath of fresh air–it was as though the church admitted, “yes, people struggle with sexual sin”…but they shouldn’t have to struggle alone because it only gets worse. We need to allow people to admit the struggles they have with sexual immorality, even though it often makes us feel the most vulnerable.

In being a single person (again) and dealing with the issue of sex, I have struggled to know what is right and wrong. Before I was married, I KNEW sex before marriage was not God's choice for me. That was pretty clear. However, now that I have been married, have experienced intimacy at its best, and am now divorced, I struggle with feelings of loss and loneliness because of that lack of intimacy. I know how fulfilling the marriage relationship (in general), and intimacy in particular, can be. I know what I am missing. Before being married, I didn't really know what I was missing.

One of the biggest things I realized is that we have a lot to learn from each other.

Our differences help us to know God better.

In our community [of friends], married and singles work; [but] in the church, it feels very awkward.  So we began to look at why it works.  There is a respect between both married and singles.  A relationship has been established as well as a trust.  I feel respected and trusted and vice versa.  There are no deep insecurities in the marriages or the friendships that make it awkward.  We also value the opinions and directions of one another and learn from those.  We all bring a different point of few and the singles don't feel like we're talked down to, "in a when you arrive where I am" attitude.

What is most important is that we live in community. The need for each other in the church body needs to take precedence over being married or single.

So how do we do it?

How do we learn from each other? How do we build honest and open relationships? How do we break the wall the church has unwittingly constructed between “single” and “married”, so that we can be a family together?

A married couple who are my good friends have said to drop over any time. I did it once, and it seemed like it was a bad time. As a single, I feel like I don’t know the rules. Now I tell them, “Give me a time to come over.” Another couple told me once when I dropped in, “This isn’t a good time.” That was really helpful! Now I know I can trust that they’ll be honest with me, and I don’t worry that they’re just being nice when I drop in. I think as a rule, it’s up to the married couple to invite singles over.

I feel the most comfortable at family/church get-togethers when the dating/married couples are willing to split up…in other words, to be on different teams for games….when things aren’t always about couples.

I quickly learned that to have a relationship with a married person, it was important to have some level of relationship with their significant other.  They are one…. If you only let yourself know and care about one member of that union, I think you are inviting problems.  Like taking sides (which can promote divisiveness in their marriage), or encouraging secrets (which doesn't promote their unity) or offering a skewed perspective because you don't know or care about their spouse.  It also means that you honor relational boundaries that help the persons spouse know you are a promoter of their relationship and not something in the way of it.

I would recommend that families who want to reach out to singles strongly curb their instincts to pity the single person. Compassion and pity are sometimes difficult to differentiate. Singles often feed the pity monster enough on their own without encouragement from others. In fact, a single person's radar (consciously or unconsciously) is often out for couples who express pity and will either resent it or will become dependent on it and cause resentment on the part of those giving it. Recognize that singleness has its unique difficulties just like being married and raising a family has its own set of complications. Our circumstances in life may be different, but we're all on this imperfect journey together.

If singles and those with homosexual desires are to live out a commitment to be celibate, they need the church to offer time and commitment in relationship with them to meet the other real needs for intimacy. We in the church need to sacrifice time to help meet those needs, not just tell singles and those with same sex attraction to be celibate.

It’s also a little weird to hear that someone is praying for you to find a spouse.  How do they know that I want one right now?  Again…another assumption that isn’t always true.  I try to remind myself that most of these people want me to experience marriage b/c it has been an amazing thing in their own life – it’s what they know and can’t picture their life (or mine) without it.  

I warned you that this message took a life of its own.

We’ve touched a lot of different areas. I want to close with one woman’s response about practical ways to say sexually pure as a single. Her response helps all of us see one of the keys to healthy relationships in all areas of life: contentment.

Steve will be addressing this next week in regard to money and our material things, so this is a good bridge. Contentment with what we have, and trust in God are the biggest keys to healthy sexuality, whether single or married.

By the way, the question about how a person who is single stays sexually pure makes little sense to me.  A person may as easily ask “how does it happen a person can stay felon free?” I can appreciate that others are thrilled with sex or enjoy, for instance, wealth and luxury.  That does not cause me to plot a sexual encounter or plan to thieve a friend’s favorite vase - or even work for high-paying job that is not God’s calling for my life merely for money.  God does not give the same gifts to everyone, I know. And God’s friendship to me has been so constant and his rewards so generous.  So I put myself in his hands and try only to live faithfully with what he gives -and to be thankful.